February 2025: Hot Mess

Posted on Feb 23, 2025

February has been an interesting month for me. I didn’t review the entire month’s journalling; but a theme surfaced none-the-less – that of shedding an old skin. Not sure how to unpack that, but we’ll see how this goes. I find it interesting that the beginning of the month marked the start of the Chinese Year of the Snake – a time of shedding the old, renewal & rebirth, energy shifts, deeper intuitive capacities, among other things (credit: Rewilding For Women). Spirit Daughter posted the year of the snake as “a time of rebirth, renewal, and transformation. The snake represents the death of all that doesn’t serve you so you can be reborn into a frequency that resonates with your soul.” While I didn’t know what this meant for me at the beginning of the month, it has become clearer as the month progressed.

Sparing you the details, I had two significant triggers this month in quick succession. I barely had the one sorted out before I was hit with another – albeit entirely different in nature. What makes this a challenge to unpack for you is that the person who triggered my trigger will likely be reading this – so I have to choose my words very carefully. As many of you know, I prefer the direct approach; but sometimes tact and diplomacy are called for – which means digging through old mental files of business communication and not just transcribing from my journal. 😊

Brief context: my bestest buddy, who is also my second cousin, attended the funeral of a mutual relative – technically a closer relation to me biologically, but not necessarily in familiarity. Hence, one of my cousins commented to this shared relative about my absence and, among her other various comments, noted that she was ‘concerned’ about me given what I had been writing in my blog. While this may seem innocuous to the casual observer, that ‘concern’ was the trigger word as it always comes with the implication that there is something not quite right with Barb. It’s hard to explain this given it is an emotional and body memory stored over decades of growing up in this extended family. To complicate matters, my subconscious was still processing this trigger two nights later in a very strange dream.

It is a family pattern to talk about others rather than directly to the member that is the subject of ‘concern.’ Sometimes word gets back to the member who is the subject of discussion, most times not. It is also possible to overhear conversations at gatherings. On occasion, these comments of ‘concern’ were made directly to me as a teenager – but with an indirect message. I definitely got the impression it was my responsibility to reassure the concerned family member rather than be the recipient of any actual assistance. The implied message was two-fold: there is something wrong with me; and I’d better not turn out “crazy” like my birth mother.

The irony is that I was born “crazy” like my mother in that we have shared mental health diagnoses (at least one with a genetic component). The difference is that there are two decades between our diagnoses (some of which have been inaccurate – for both of us) and hence treatment options. Of no credit to my family (extended or immediate), I did receive self-directed help via various channels since my mid-twenties – and accurate diagnoses have trickled into my lived experience as symptoms impacted daily functioning at various times and places. Fast forward to the dream.

The plotline of the dream was absurd, but the message was clear enough: I was a “hot mess” – a danger to myself and others. That phrase wasn’t in circulation during my formative years; and I may not fit the classic description of a person who is disheveled and confused (barring the photo of me on the ferry crossing between Labrador and Newfoundland in 2009 😊). However, it correlates with the message I received more than once well into my third decade: you have potential if only you could get your shit together. Sometimes those exact words, other times more diplomatic wording. A backhanded compliment, if you will. My thought was always: why don’t you/who is going to help me get my shit together? Obviously not the person giving that advice (including professors). Don’t you think if I had any idea how to get my shit together, I would? Who wants to struggle through life with what I referred to as my ‘broken brain’?

Last month, I wrote about my new discovery of being on the neurodivergent spectrum. But I felt different long before neurotypicals were a thing simply because I knew I didn’t see nor function in the world like my peers. I knew my brain operated differently due to depression and anxiety (except I didn’t have those words in my vocabulary). I could keep up, even excel, with my peers academically. It was how they interacted with each other and felt about their lives, etc., that had me baffled. None of them seemed to struggle with a low-mood disorder complicated by major depressive episodes (again, not words in my vocabulary at the time). I was simply different – an observation reinforced by these expressions of concern from extended family and others in my parents’ friend circle.

I was always being ‘watched’ – waiting for Barb to lose her shit like her birth mother. Therefore, it is somewhat ironic that people advised me to get my shit together in order to succeed. I didn’t even know where or what my shit was to either lose it or get it together! So, when I heard about my cousin’s ‘concern’ because of what she was reading in my blogs, it triggered a flood of hurt and self-doubt. It also reminded me of feeling unheard and unseen growing up. When I unpacked the dream of two-nights later, I realized I need to shed the identity of being a ‘hot mess.’

My ‘year of the snake’ is shedding the self-perception of being a hot mess, of needing to “get her shit together,” of proving herself worthy or ‘not crazy,’ of being less-than or defective, of being plagued with self-doubt and second-guessing, of being the black sheep of the family. It also means shedding the way I was raised, my parents’ worldview, and their guiding principles. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any, just that they are ones I have chosen myself; and they differ from my upbringing – which automatically makes them suspect to those who express ‘concern’ for me. In my estimation, they are less concerned for me per se and more for the beliefs I espouse and how it reflects upon my extended family. I understand that no one likes to hear their ideals may not be accurate or reflective of my lived experience. I am choosing to shed that which deeply damaged me. It is no longer mine to carry. Granted it makes certain people uncomfortable. That is their discomfort to deal with and not my responsibility to alleviate – even though that was my family role for decades (since a young child).

Even since writing this yesterday, I have discovered more layers to shed. It is a complicated process. But as I am opening myself up to other ways of seeing the world and being in it, I am getting stronger in my sense of self. That idea of having to lose something to gain something. I don’t know what the snake experiences in the process of shedding an old skin and growing a new one. I imagine it can’t be comfortable. However, there is also likely a sense of relief when the process is complete; and the snake can get on with its life – until it’s time to do it all again.

So while I have some reservations about posting this blog, my question for you is what comes to mind when you think of shedding old ways of being and thinking that no longer serve your highest good? Feel free to leave comments or email if you have anything you’d like to share or questions about this posting.