Posted on Feb 23, 2025
February has been an interesting month for me. I didn’t review the entire month’s journalling; but a theme surfaced none-the-less – that of shedding an old skin. Not sure how to unpack that, but we’ll see how this goes. I find it interesting that the beginning of the month marked the start of the Chinese Year of the Snake – a time of shedding the old, renewal & rebirth, energy shifts, deeper intuitive capacities, among other things (credit: Rewilding For Women). Spirit Daughter posted the year of the snake as “a time of rebirth, renewal, and transformation. The snake represents the death of all that doesn’t serve you so you can be reborn into a frequency that resonates with your soul.” While I didn’t know what this meant for me at the beginning of the month, it has become clearer as the month progressed.
Sparing you the details, I had two significant triggers this month in quick succession. I barely had the one sorted out before I was hit with another – albeit entirely different in nature. What makes this a challenge to unpack for you is that the person who triggered my trigger will likely be reading this – so I have to choose my words very carefully. As many of you know, I prefer the direct approach; but sometimes tact and diplomacy are called for – which means digging through old mental files of business communication and not just transcribing from my journal. 😊
Brief context: my bestest buddy, who is also my second cousin, attended the funeral of a mutual relative – technically a closer relation to me biologically, but not necessarily in familiarity. Hence, one of my cousins commented to this shared relative about my absence and, among her other various comments, noted that she was ‘concerned’ about me given what I had been writing in my blog. While this may seem innocuous to the casual observer, that ‘concern’ was the trigger word as it always comes with the implication that there is something not quite right with Barb. It’s hard to explain this given it is an emotional and body memory stored over decades of growing up in this extended family. To complicate matters, my subconscious was still processing this trigger two nights later in a very strange dream.
It is a family pattern to talk about others rather than directly to the member that is the subject of ‘concern.’ Sometimes word gets back to the member who is the subject of discussion, most times not. It is also possible to overhear conversations at gatherings. On occasion, these comments of ‘concern’ were made directly to me as a teenager – but with an indirect message. I definitely got the impression it was my responsibility to reassure the concerned family member rather than be the recipient of any actual assistance. The implied message was two-fold: there is something wrong with me; and I’d better not turn out “crazy” like my birth mother.
The irony is that I was born “crazy” like my mother in that we have shared mental health diagnoses (at least one with a genetic component). The difference is that there are two decades between our diagnoses (some of which have been inaccurate – for both of us) and hence treatment options. Of no credit to my family (extended or immediate), I did receive self-directed help via various channels since my mid-twenties – and accurate diagnoses have trickled into my lived experience as symptoms impacted daily functioning at various times and places. Fast forward to the dream.
The plotline of the dream was absurd, but the message was clear enough: I was a “hot mess” – a danger to myself and others. That phrase wasn’t in circulation during my formative years; and I may not fit the classic description of a person who is disheveled and confused (barring the photo of me on the ferry crossing between Labrador and Newfoundland in 2009 😊). However, it correlates with the message I received more than once well into my third decade: you have potential if only you could get your shit together. Sometimes those exact words, other times more diplomatic wording. A backhanded compliment, if you will. My thought was always: why don’t you/who is going to help me get my shit together? Obviously not the person giving that advice (including professors). Don’t you think if I had any idea how to get my shit together, I would? Who wants to struggle through life with what I referred to as my ‘broken brain’?
Last month, I wrote about my new discovery of being on the neurodivergent spectrum. But I felt different long before neurotypicals were a thing simply because I knew I didn’t see nor function in the world like my peers. I knew my brain operated differently due to depression and anxiety (except I didn’t have those words in my vocabulary). I could keep up, even excel, with my peers academically. It was how they interacted with each other and felt about their lives, etc., that had me baffled. None of them seemed to struggle with a low-mood disorder complicated by major depressive episodes (again, not words in my vocabulary at the time). I was simply different – an observation reinforced by these expressions of concern from extended family and others in my parents’ friend circle.
I was always being ‘watched’ – waiting for Barb to lose her shit like her birth mother. Therefore, it is somewhat ironic that people advised me to get my shit together in order to succeed. I didn’t even know where or what my shit was to either lose it or get it together! So, when I heard about my cousin’s ‘concern’ because of what she was reading in my blogs, it triggered a flood of hurt and self-doubt. It also reminded me of feeling unheard and unseen growing up. When I unpacked the dream of two-nights later, I realized I need to shed the identity of being a ‘hot mess.’
My ‘year of the snake’ is shedding the self-perception of being a hot mess, of needing to “get her shit together,” of proving herself worthy or ‘not crazy,’ of being less-than or defective, of being plagued with self-doubt and second-guessing, of being the black sheep of the family. It also means shedding the way I was raised, my parents’ worldview, and their guiding principles. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any, just that they are ones I have chosen myself; and they differ from my upbringing – which automatically makes them suspect to those who express ‘concern’ for me. In my estimation, they are less concerned for me per se and more for the beliefs I espouse and how it reflects upon my extended family. I understand that no one likes to hear their ideals may not be accurate or reflective of my lived experience. I am choosing to shed that which deeply damaged me. It is no longer mine to carry. Granted it makes certain people uncomfortable. That is their discomfort to deal with and not my responsibility to alleviate – even though that was my family role for decades (since a young child).
Even since writing this yesterday, I have discovered more layers to shed. It is a complicated process. But as I am opening myself up to other ways of seeing the world and being in it, I am getting stronger in my sense of self. That idea of having to lose something to gain something. I don’t know what the snake experiences in the process of shedding an old skin and growing a new one. I imagine it can’t be comfortable. However, there is also likely a sense of relief when the process is complete; and the snake can get on with its life – until it’s time to do it all again.
So while I have some reservations about posting this blog, my question for you is what comes to mind when you think of shedding old ways of being and thinking that no longer serve your highest good? Feel free to leave comments or email if you have anything you’d like to share or questions about this posting.
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Posted on Jan 26, 2025
It never ceases to amaze me when a theme surfaces in my monthly journal read-overs in preparation for this blog. January has been a month of releasing old ways of thinking and be-ing to make room for the new. While that was my entire 2024, it tended to focus on the father wound. The start of 2025 has been about “levelling up.” Now that the father wound isn’t all-encompassing, I can focus on what I want to develop instead of what needs to be left behind. This does sort of dovetail with the second theme of January – neurodivergence – in that this revelation of my own neurodivergence has really liberated me to see “me for me” – in all my odd glory and ultraviolet brilliance (see graphic).
Now it feels like I have too much to regurgitate into this month’s blog entry! But the irony is not lost on me that levelling up to the thriving phase of trauma recovery means embracing neurodivergence after spending decades trying to be neurotypical. (Quick review: the standard 3 phases or modes of trauma recovery are victim, survivor, and thriving.) In my family, all three of us siblings have had similar experiences of forcing a square peg into a round whole. Interestingly, our neurodivergence is unique to each of us – with only one of us being diagnosed on the AD/HD spectrum in mid-adulthood.
It is my belief that neurodivergence is broader than the two spectrums of autism and AD/HD – with some folks living on more than one spectrum – not necessarily limited to the two already noted. While I can relate to symptoms and expressions of both mild autism and attention deficit spectrums, I would not fit either category sufficiently for a diagnosis. However, neurodivergence is broad enough to include my own quirkiness including unusual ways of processing and communicating information.
Of course, my OCD and cPTSD already play significant roles in how I process and pass along information; but it never fully explained how I function. To back the bus up a bit, in a world of polarities, the opposite of neurodivergence is neurotypical which includes all those kids who excel in school without any effort. They memorize easily and take in information relatively well via the usual channels of visual and/or auditory learners. They are fairly compliant with maintaining the ‘status quo’ and have no issues with sensory processing – not easily overstimulated or overwhelmed with incoming data from various senses – and tend to make friends without issue.
In my experience, I had/have significant issues with social skills and I’m neither a visual nor auditory learner. I get bored pretty quickly with videos as my brain usually works a little faster than how social media packages visually-presented material. Due to this busy brain, I also have difficulty concentrating on solely auditory information as my brain wanders if my hands and eyes aren’t busy with something – which can appear like I’m not paying attention when actually I am enhancing my concentration, not detracting from it.
My primary way of taking on new information is reading – allowing me to process at my own pace and go back to review as many times as necessary – or skip ahead. When I am learning a new skill, I like to watch someone perform the steps, then give them a try myself. Emphasis on word ‘steps’ – I do not do well if I can’t break down a complicated process into bite-sized pieces. I once worked at a vehicle rental company that had no standard procedure for completing rental agreements – and it was so convoluted a system that I had difficulty establishing any steps. I usually missed a crucial element; and I did not stay at that company long.
Another factor of neurodivergence: we tend not to be good employees if our particular ways of be-ing are not accommodated. I chalked up my varied work history to my emotional and mental disorders when really, in looking back, I can see my neurodivergence being the culprit: not having steps to follow or clear directions/expectations. I don’t deal well with ambiguity and tend to be a straight shooter. But I haven’t always been when my people-pleasing survival mechanism meant always watching for what the other people wanted. I could be a confusing chameleon with the best of them – adapting to every situation as best I could.
I imagine many “neurodivergents” have conflicting operating systems. Socially, I wanted to fit in but felt different, odd, or out-of-place hence the bed-over-backwards to people please or chameleon approach to life – never seeming to have a mind of my own. When learning a task, I would need to see the big picture before attempting detailed steps – often to the frustration of authority figures like parents, teachers, and employers. As I would fumble through, I would ‘see’ a better way of doing things (e.g. more efficient or suited to my abilities) which comes across as non-compliant more than taking initiative.
One of my journal entries this month mentioned, “Just when I thought I had come to terms with my life ‘as is,’ I get pulled into this vortex of dissatisfaction. I wish I could be ‘content’ like other older single women. This is when I have to remind myself that I’m different…so even if I met someone, I might still have these vacillations. It is enough to make a person go crazy – like their own system is gaslighting them. And then when we have external gaslighting to boot – like narcissist spouses or family members – it is enough to drive a person crazy.”
Ironically, I always thought I was neurotypical because I excelled in academic environments – but it was never with ease. I had to work hard for my grades which became a false sense of self for me. When my grades would falter, I would feel worthless. Excelling academically also meant I fell through the cracks for any possible supports – plus it was prior to this current age of learning disabilities and accommodations. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if it wasn’t always about survival – but I guess that is the point of the thriving phase of trauma recovery – we do get to experience life beyond survival. We enter into ‘our own’ and embrace life fully as it comes.
So here is to 2025 being about embracing possibilities and levelling up! I am in such a different place than when I started 2024 it is nearly unbelievable. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I didn’t recognize myself – except I am more ‘my Self” than I have ever been. In what ways can you see yourself embracing more of your “true-ness” in 2025? What sorts of old beliefs and ways of be-ing do you need to release in order to make room for thriving?
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Posted on Dec 29, 2024
December has been an interesting month for me with surprisingly more highs than lows. Living with dysthymia makes happiness a somewhat elusive emotion. However, this month I noted more than once in my journal that I either woke up happy or experienced a moment feeling happy. A notable turning point involved embracing the grief process for my dissolved marriage.
It surprised me to realize I have been stuck in the bargaining stage or facet of grief for much of the last 7 years. I could recall the initial phase of shock and denial as well as intense anger. But I realized I hadn’t experienced real sadness nor acceptance. The 5 stages of grief established by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross have become common knowledge in some ways, but not everyone is familiar with them. While Kubler-Ross presented them as stages, grief is not a sequential process that once embarked upon is neatly completed in “5 easy steps.” Anyone who has been through deep grief will confirm it is a chaotic rather than simple process.
For many years as a therapist, I interpreted the grief stages as a spiral that we move back and forth along – sometimes spiralling through the 5 phases in a single day. Or a new grief triggers another trip along the spiral for an old loss we thought was long buried. This past year, I re-interpreted the grief process as a diamond with at least the established 5 facets: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
In the initial stage of shock and denial, we experience a sense of ‘this can’t be happening.’ In anger, we loudly protest that ‘this shouldn’t have happened’ and bemoan the unfairness of our loss. During bargaining, we get caught up in a litany of ‘if onlys’ and ‘what ifs.’ Depression is the opportunity to sit with our sadness and acknowledge any feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and profound loss. Acceptance allows us to consider the future and what might yet be as well as come to terms with the absence of a person, job, marriage, friendship house, community, pet, health, dream, ideal, or any myriad of ways we experience loss.
I also appreciate the concept of a diamond as coal under pressure producing a beautiful result from the process of grief. Any which way we twist the gem of grief, we will see another facet (shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and any others that might reveal themselves). We will feel the heft of the weight and acknowledge the pressure that created the sparkle we hold in our hand. In this context, we can consider grief as a gift – one that allows us to feel and think deeply, to honour what was or what could’ve been, to make room for new experiences, relationships, possessions, etc. To be human. For grief is a marker of life as well as death – whether that be the death of a loved one, an ideal, a belief system, a circumstance, a relationship, or a dream.
Sometimes, however, we get stuck in a facet of grief. We can all think of times when we ourselves or people we know have gotten mired in denial, or anger, or bargaining, or depression. In my case, it was a surprise to realize I had gotten bogged down in bargaining in the form of over-analyzing my marriage: where had it all gone so wrong? This led to spiralling through shock/denial (can’t believe this happened), anger (this shouldn’t have happened), and back to bargaining (how did this happen?). There are tricks to move from one facet to another when we get stuck. For this blog, I will focus on how I got unstuck from bargaining.
I had to recognize that regardless of ‘how’ it happened, it, in fact, happened – and no amount of analyzing would change that. Bargaining changes nothing. But, for whatever reason, it is a necessary facet of grief. Once I realized I had gotten stuck in over-analyzing, which might also be part of my OCD, I had to move into depression or sadness. It struck me as odd that I had never actually felt sad about the death of my marriage – which also meant acknowledging the loss and sadness of never having the partner that I wanted and imagined for myself.
My journal for December is full of little ah-ha moments and statements such as “grieving I didn’t get what I wanted and now I want something different.” Moving through these facets made me look at the pitfalls of partnership, especially my loss of personal power and sense of self. I also noted in reference to future splits: “I will know it was about the relationship dynamics and not about me.” And I had to accept that this went for my marriage as well. It was about dynamics, not me.
In some weird cosmic twist, releasing myself from my disrupted marriage freed me to get to know my True Self better. A social meme quote from Nikki Giovanni enabled me to see my “failed” marriage in a new light: “I really don’t think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don’t mind the failure; but I can’t imagine that I’d forgive myself if I didn’t try.” I certainly tried to make a marriage like the one I envisioned from my early indoctrination of what it should look like.
The fact that it didn’t work is not about the whys and wherefores (the could have beens) but about the fact that I tried to make an ideal happen – and failed. But I tried. And by consciously moving through the facets of grief, it has freed me to explore other possibilities and released my Self from outdated expectations and ideals. I have discovered things about myself that would have remained buried if I hadn’t allowed the pressure of the grief process to surface a diamond-in-the-rough.
Some of those discoveries will likely be fodder for future blogs. For now, feel free to share your experiences with the facets of the grief diamond. What beauty has surfaced for you? Where have you gotten stuck? How did you move through to the next facet? What sorts of losses have you processed through to acceptance? Have any old losses been triggered afresh with new ones?
May your exploration of the grief facets release you to experience your life more fully in unexpected ways and renewed sparkle.
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Posted on Nov 25, 2024
November has been an interesting month: nothing new and noteworthy, but challenging in its blandness. I have struggled a little bit with a persistent low mood – not a full-on depressive episode, but a sense of blah-ness likely triggered by the prolonged grey weather. It has also been challenging as I continue to process old journal entries of 20+ years ago: more ways that I have come full circle and yet such drastic differences from my old self and way of life. So, this month’s blog entry isn’t reflective of this month in particular, but has been ‘in the works’ since September when I personally embraced a therapeutic technique that I have been using with clients for some time now.
Rather than explain each contributing therapy and then how I mash them up, I will simply acknowledge that I have combined Narrative Therapy and Internal Family Systems therapy concepts to form what I could rename as Narrative Internal Family Systems (my apologies and gratitude to the originators). The purpose of my approach is to help access deep internal woundings and how to heal them – or at least live with them more effectively – by acknowledging that we are the protagonist (main character) of our own life stories as well as the narrator (guiding the story along). However, our story and our sense of self is comprised of more than a protagonist and a narrator. Enter: the internal family.
This internal family is not a conventional one but rather a collection of characters that represent aspects of our self. While Internal Family Systems limits the cast to four specific, well-defined roles, I prefer using the narrative-inspired approach of assigning characters based upon a book or movie. Of my clients, they use characters from Marvel Comics, DC Comics, Harry Potter, and Disney’s Cinderella. My cast of characters is based upon Winnie-the-Pooh. Interestingly, it is not a love of those books that prompted my personal choice; but rather an affinity to Eeyore representing my dysthymia (particular variety of depression disorder). So while a couple of my clients have a head start on me using this approach, I will use my personal experience to expand on it.
My personal application of this mash-up approach began with recognizing Eeyore as representing my chronic battle with depression. One day I was also struggling with OCD; and out of nowhere, I found myself telling it to go sit in the corner with Eeyore. While not the best start to using this approach, it was the impetus to develop my own cast of characters and apply the principles I was teaching to clients. After watching the movie Christopher Robin, I appealed to my sister (an avid Winnie-the-Pooh fan) to help identify the rest of the members of my Internal Family System. Some took longer to sort out than others, as it will for anyone else choosing to use my version. Be patient.
My cast of characters include: Eeyore as dysthymia, Piglet as anxiety, Rabbit as OCD, the Hefalumps as cPTSD symptoms, Roo as my inner child, Kanga as the nurturing mother figure, Owl as my inner critic/over-thinker as well as represents my father/the father wound/generational trauma, Christopher as the rescuer and problem solver, and Winnie the Pooh as the main version of myself who practices mindfulness, lives in the moment, and is a quirky philosophizer. The narrator is my True Self who moves the story along as best as the characters allow. The narrator role is an interesting combination of going with the flow and guiding the story.
I also apply an intuitive component where I allow my mind to visualize the family in action – such as imagining little Roo standing in front of a charging herd of hefalumps who could either stampede around him, trample him, or stop. To my surprise, they stopped. And with the help of a hefalump’s trunk, Roo jumped aboard the leader and led them in a celebratory parade instead of whatever trauma-memory triggered the stampede. I have also visualized Owl (holding his face in my hands and kissing his beak) needing reassurance that he won’t be kicked out of the internal family as I heal the father wound. Owl will always be a part of my internal family, even if his role changes.
The tricky part of identifying characters is that they can appear to represent members of our real-life families – which they sort of do – but more the impact our family members have had on our developing sense of self. Therefore, the characters represent aspects of our Self and not real people – only their influence or family dynamics that have contributed to our messy internal world. We need help organizing this messy internal world to manage everyday symptoms and triggers. The tenet from Internal Family Systems that is important to apply to this mash-up is that of “no bad parts” and “all parts welcome.” At first, we get to know our cast like I did – by telling them to shut up or leave us alone – give us a break from their incessant nattering. As we get to know them, we can meet them where they are and provide what they need (usually reassurance of some kind).
An aspect I have incorporated is that of calling a family meeting to get to know the characters and how they interact as well as address issues. Some are bullies – like the inner critic – and others are timid (maybe the inner child) hiding in the shadowed corners. Part of being the narrator (one in charge) is to tell the loud ones to be quiet and invite the shy ones to speak up (or at least take a seat closer to the table to start). We have to teach our internal families to take turns and allow everyone a voice. When someone is particularly noisy, we need to slow the conversation down and find out what is needed – which usually involves more visualization like giving the inner child a hug, or the inner critic reassurance that perfection is not required, or anxiety that worrying will not prevent bad things from happening and that we are capable of handling whatever comes our way.
I realize this approach is difficult to apply without coaching. As a therapist, I can help guide the visualization or the conversation at the team/family meeting. I use both my intuitive gifts and my analytic mind to determine where ‘to go’ from what a client says in session. But I find clients make amazing discoveries on their own just trusting the process and their own True Self. The point is to make life more manageable, our symptoms less overwhelming, and evolve as the protagonists and narrators of our own lived stories. This approach has helped me and my clients identify root issues often buried under unruly symptoms. Seeing our selves as a collection of characters also aids integrating our fragmented selves – to become a unified whole or team rather than disparate, conflicting parts. It might sound counter-intuitive, but it works.
It also helps us to accept rejected aspects of ourselves. Everyone is welcome at the family table, but not all learned behaviours and toxic coping mechanisms are. Sometimes we have to holster the gun or hang the hat before we sit down together. And as we try new ways of being together, we find that we no longer need the gun or a certain hat anymore. We learn how to accept our self ‘as is’ and work towards a more integrated version. All parts welcome. No bad parts. What is in the shadows is welcomed into the light and that which is overbearing is asked to settle down. Collaboration. Adapting to change. This is what life is all about it – not getting it right all the time or going it alone.
I welcome any and all comments about this unique approach. Feel free to join the discussion on December 1st – just let me know, if you are not already part of the group. If you would like to try out this particular therapy approach, feel free to contact me at barb@thewindingpath.ca to discuss options.
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Posted on Oct 22, 2024
October. Typically a difficult month for me even though it is my favourite time of year. I love having a birthday in autumn. The tricky part is, it is also the anniversary of my birth-mom’s death. If something tragic or difficult is going to happen, it will be this time of year. Last year, the old school across the street from my house burned down. Fingers crossed nothing untoward happens this year – only a week or so left. I won’t go into all the strange things that have happened on or near my birthday in the past.
However, it is a time of deep reflection for me – and reading over this month’s journal entries to date has provided far more fodder for a blog entry than is possible to curate. And now that I’ve created a monthly blog discussion group (email barb@thewindingpath.ca if you’d like to join), it feels like I’ve put a tad too much pressure on myself. While there are several topics to choose from, three themes tend to weave them together: transitions, Internal Family Systems, and alone as a state of being not just physical fact. Now which one to focus on?
I am leaning towards transitions as it was serendipitous that I chose to reread a book of that title in order to revamp my handout (that would’ve come in handy at the wellness event I attended mid-September). I first read the book (Transitions by William Bridges) back when I was still married. And while the premise of rites of passage stayed with me, I needed the review of the process to help me through this month. I have been rereading various books lately – both novels and counselling-related – and I’ve been surprised how appropriate my choices have been. I keep a log of books read; and it has been interesting to observe how books resonate differently depending on my time-of-life.
Following the rites of passage model or process, transitions follow a pattern of ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. Or dying, fallow season, and rebirth. However, life doesn’t always afford such a succinct process; so often endings and beginnings overlap, and neutral zones are ignored or dismissed as unproductive – creating a time of chaos, confusion, and discontent. I think that is where I find myself this October. And it is not easy to sit in the fallow season and wait for rebirth. Nor does our Western way of thinking allow for a time of emptiness in which it appears nothing is happening when actually something is germinating.
In traditional rites of passage, an initiate is separated from the normal rhythm of life (an ending) to embark on a quest to find their sense of self or purpose or ‘next level’ of existence. A time of disorientation that results in finding oneself out of a perceived nothingness (neutral zone). When the enlightenment happens, the initiate is ready to return home a different person – a levelled-up version of themselves (e.g. leaves a boy, returns a man) – to engage in the community in new ways with increased responsibilities (new beginning).
In our modern age, this quest may involve changing jobs, homes, romantic partners, cars, careers, family responsibilities, etc. We usually find ourselves dissatisfied with the status quo but unsure what needs to change – or change is forced upon us or abrupt like losing a job, getting married, or having a baby. If we don’t acknowledge the end of the way things were (employed, single, childless), we may struggle to adapt to the new beginning (job/way of earning a living, relationship, baby). It can be confusing to unknowingly grieve the old way-of-being while trying to embrace the new (an inexplicable sadness when you are expected to be celebratory). Understanding how transitions actually transpire can help us adjust to the changes and/or make decisions that will disrupt the status quo.
So how does this apply to my month of October? Well, I’ve been working through acknowledging the old way of being Barb (i.e. an end to old coping mechanisms like being a people-pleaser, a chameleon, and a drone) in order to make way for a levelled-up version of myself. I think I’ve grasped the ending; but I’m stuck in the no-man’s land of the neutral zone. Ironically, this is a good thing, as I am not traversing an ending overlapped with a new beginning. I’m not dying and rebirthing simultaneously. 😊 The other two themes I mentioned earlier fit into this: working with my Internal Family System as we make adjustments and a sense of being alone.
Weirdly, I have come to an understanding of being alone formerly foreign to me. My old self preferred solitude (being alone) as it was where/when I felt safest. As I have dealt with some early trauma/inner child issues using my Internal Family System, I have revised my understanding of interdependence (vs hyper independence) and connectivity. Relationships are what make life bearable, enjoyable, fulfilling – and are not dangerous or a reward for getting things right. I not only have to build trust in someone in order to emerge from my cocoon, I also have to trust myself enough to let someone in to my deep interior world. Trusting myself to gauge when I am comfortable with someone to let them in – and knowing how to keep my Self (and my interior world) safe. To be alone also means acknowledging I am more of a unicorn than a chameleon. This has a lot to do with accepting my unique ways of neurodivergence – and that it is okay not to fit in. This may seem like a simple self-acceptance exercise, but it is rooted in deeply embedded shame messages that I never grasped before.
During this neutral zone or fallow season, issues are surfacing from various sources such as reading old journals for my book, changes in living arrangements, and putting myself “out there” more. Suffice to say, I see myself in relationships differently than I ever have before. And while I am not a good fit for online dating – thanks to my particular neurodivergence – I am both open to meeting someone in some unexpected way and to becoming comfortable with my current understanding of being alone. I know there is some version of myself I have yet to meet in this neutral zone/fallow season – someone who will relate with/to another equally unique soul – my fellow unicorn – “just because” and not as a reward for levelling up.
As I look over the notes I took while reading over my October journal entries, a depth of content is glossed over or missed in this introduction to transitions (such as an insight into my early childhood shyness). I’ve had some tremendous a-ha moments in this neutral zone – and that is the very point of it. We need to slow down to acknowledge what has ended, what inner chaos needs attention, to fully appreciate the next chapter unfolding. To find our way in the dark. On your own journey, where do you see yourself: in the midst of an ending, stuck in neutral, or approaching a beginning? Or can you look back at a point in your life when you can identify a dying, a fallow season, and a rebirth? Wherever you find yourself now, I hope you find/have found your way through the dark.
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Posted on Sep 26, 2024
After lunch on the back deck, I enjoyed soaking up the warmth of the sun while I read over my journal entries for the month of September. Once again, I was surprised at what was all “accomplished” internally. Several themes appeared appropriate for a blog – which is good in that my original idea was to blog about my newly defined Internal Family System – but due to a recent development, I am postponing that one for a later date.
One of this month’s more significant activities was having a table at a health & wellness event in a nearby community. This activity was significant for a few reasons. Firstly, I was inspired by my “table neighbour” and our discussion of her monthly ‘brain gym’ online meetings that also provide a sense of community and connectivity. It got me mulling over possible online support groups that I could offer without taxing clientele’s financial resources and my energy reserves, as I tend to overextend myself without proper compensation. But this is not a blog about healthy boundaries.
I put feelers out regarding what might be feasible and the general consensus was to offer a monthly discussion group based upon my blogs. For the fee of one counselling session ($125), a “subscriber” will have one-year access to the monthly online discussion group to be held for an hour in the afternoon of the last Sunday of each month – and a receipt they can submit to insurance for reimbursement if they have benefits that covers counselling by a certified counsellor (not all plans do). If you need more details, please email barb@thewindingpath.ca.
This is significant for me as it is putting myself ‘out there’ on a level beyond online dating! It will also fill the void left by the absence of the online meetings of colleagues, as in spring I resigned from the two boards on which I was serving. It will be an experiment and yet another stretching exercise – much like the health & wellness event itself. I was pleasantly surprised how I wasn’t consumed with anxiety – which became a springboard for exploring my internal family system. While my anxiety may have taken a back seat, my chronic fatigue syndrome decided to show up unexpectedly – literally knocking me on my ass.
At the end of the event, as we were cleaning up our tables, I suddenly collapsed – creating quite the commotion – and embarrassment for me with all eyes focused in my direction. But I made a conscious effort not to entertain shame messages and simply got back to the task at hand with an offhand explanation that my ankle had given out (which it does do sometimes). It took a couple days to figure out what actually happened – my electrolytes and blood pressure dropped causing the collapse. I say collapse as I was standing still. I wrote in my journal that it felt like someone had tugged on my spinal cord and I sank like a bag of bones to the floor. It was quite bizarre. But it illustrates how chronic fatigue syndrome is multi-faceted and sometimes sneaks up on a person – especially if they forget to take their morning meds & supplements!
Onto the third impactful aspect of the event – that troublesome internalized shame. While in that particular moment, I was able to keep it at bay, I had other opportunities this month to face my shame messages – especially the one that fears judgement and getting in trouble. Now, how to synthesize all the lessons succinctly into a few paragraphs? I realized that when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there are two factors to consider: fear and power.
In the one instance, I felt shame because I failed to anticipate the person’s fear and protect them – their fear was projected onto me as my responsibility. Light bulb moment, as in my family-of-origin, it was my role to anticipate emotional needs and meet them before I got into trouble/to avert danger. It is not my responsibility to protect people from their own emotions – nor to take on their projections as mine to fix. A paradox: taking on others’ emotions as mine to regulate without any help to regulate my own.
The other paradox that surfaced is that shamers are trying to claim power by disempowering someone else and/or the perceived threat. From my journal: “Funny how it doesn’t actually work that way – taking away someone’s power to make yourself feel more powerful. In both situations, I hadn’t taken away anyone’s power – they projected that onto me and Abbie. So, will I allow them to disempower me or rise like a Phoenix?” A parallel thought process to empowerment is the trauma-recovery shifts from victim mode to survival to thriving – which can be explored further in a future blog and/or discussion group. But I will say that fear of disappointment and judgement is no longer necessary for my survival. I can release that belief as obsolete as I enter thriving mode.
In one of my entries processing internalized shame, this modified childhood taunt came to mind: “There ain’t no shame on us. There might be shame on some of you/those guys, but there ain’t no shame on us.” Shame is like pesky flies at an outdoor picnic. I am learning to swat those lil buggers away and move on – not get sucked in to their disempowering messages, not to take on the emotions of shamers/criticizers/complainers. Complaints and criticisms are just that – no more, no less. I can create a forcefield that does not allow in emotional projections that threaten my sense of well-being. I have only my own emotions to regulate.
It is going to take more practice to repel the projections. But they are no longer mine to fix. I relinquish that habitual role. I can use my personal power to burn old beliefs that no longer serve me and my healing journey – to rise from the ashes as a Phoenix, ready to thrive. What old beliefs no longer serve your healing journey? What needs to be burnt so you can rise from the ashes and thrive? Or like the image portrays: rising from the asphalt to reach for the sky.
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