Posted on Nov 25, 2024
November has been an interesting month: nothing new and noteworthy, but challenging in its blandness. I have struggled a little bit with a persistent low mood – not a full-on depressive episode, but a sense of blah-ness likely triggered by the prolonged grey weather. It has also been challenging as I continue to process old journal entries of 20+ years ago: more ways that I have come full circle and yet such drastic differences from my old self and way of life. So, this month’s blog entry isn’t reflective of this month in particular, but has been ‘in the works’ since September when I personally embraced a therapeutic technique that I have been using with clients for some time now.
Rather than explain each contributing therapy and then how I mash them up, I will simply acknowledge that I have combined Narrative Therapy and Internal Family Systems therapy concepts to form what I could rename as Narrative Internal Family Systems (my apologies and gratitude to the originators). The purpose of my approach is to help access deep internal woundings and how to heal them – or at least live with them more effectively – by acknowledging that we are the protagonist (main character) of our own life stories as well as the narrator (guiding the story along). However, our story and our sense of self is comprised of more than a protagonist and a narrator. Enter: the internal family.
This internal family is not a conventional one but rather a collection of characters that represent aspects of our self. While Internal Family Systems limits the cast to four specific, well-defined roles, I prefer using the narrative-inspired approach of assigning characters based upon a book or movie. Of my clients, they use characters from Marvel Comics, DC Comics, Harry Potter, and Disney’s Cinderella. My cast of characters is based upon Winnie-the-Pooh. Interestingly, it is not a love of those books that prompted my personal choice; but rather an affinity to Eeyore representing my dysthymia (particular variety of depression disorder). So while a couple of my clients have a head start on me using this approach, I will use my personal experience to expand on it.
My personal application of this mash-up approach began with recognizing Eeyore as representing my chronic battle with depression. One day I was also struggling with OCD; and out of nowhere, I found myself telling it to go sit in the corner with Eeyore. While not the best start to using this approach, it was the impetus to develop my own cast of characters and apply the principles I was teaching to clients. After watching the movie Christopher Robin, I appealed to my sister (an avid Winnie-the-Pooh fan) to help identify the rest of the members of my Internal Family System. Some took longer to sort out than others, as it will for anyone else choosing to use my version. Be patient.
My cast of characters include: Eeyore as dysthymia, Piglet as anxiety, Rabbit as OCD, the Hefalumps as cPTSD symptoms, Roo as my inner child, Kanga as the nurturing mother figure, Owl as my inner critic/over-thinker as well as represents my father/the father wound/generational trauma, Christopher as the rescuer and problem solver, and Winnie the Pooh as the main version of myself who practices mindfulness, lives in the moment, and is a quirky philosophizer. The narrator is my True Self who moves the story along as best as the characters allow. The narrator role is an interesting combination of going with the flow and guiding the story.
I also apply an intuitive component where I allow my mind to visualize the family in action – such as imagining little Roo standing in front of a charging herd of hefalumps who could either stampede around him, trample him, or stop. To my surprise, they stopped. And with the help of a hefalump’s trunk, Roo jumped aboard the leader and led them in a celebratory parade instead of whatever trauma-memory triggered the stampede. I have also visualized Owl (holding his face in my hands and kissing his beak) needing reassurance that he won’t be kicked out of the internal family as I heal the father wound. Owl will always be a part of my internal family, even if his role changes.
The tricky part of identifying characters is that they can appear to represent members of our real-life families – which they sort of do – but more the impact our family members have had on our developing sense of self. Therefore, the characters represent aspects of our Self and not real people – only their influence or family dynamics that have contributed to our messy internal world. We need help organizing this messy internal world to manage everyday symptoms and triggers. The tenet from Internal Family Systems that is important to apply to this mash-up is that of “no bad parts” and “all parts welcome.” At first, we get to know our cast like I did – by telling them to shut up or leave us alone – give us a break from their incessant nattering. As we get to know them, we can meet them where they are and provide what they need (usually reassurance of some kind).
An aspect I have incorporated is that of calling a family meeting to get to know the characters and how they interact as well as address issues. Some are bullies – like the inner critic – and others are timid (maybe the inner child) hiding in the shadowed corners. Part of being the narrator (one in charge) is to tell the loud ones to be quiet and invite the shy ones to speak up (or at least take a seat closer to the table to start). We have to teach our internal families to take turns and allow everyone a voice. When someone is particularly noisy, we need to slow the conversation down and find out what is needed – which usually involves more visualization like giving the inner child a hug, or the inner critic reassurance that perfection is not required, or anxiety that worrying will not prevent bad things from happening and that we are capable of handling whatever comes our way.
I realize this approach is difficult to apply without coaching. As a therapist, I can help guide the visualization or the conversation at the team/family meeting. I use both my intuitive gifts and my analytic mind to determine where ‘to go’ from what a client says in session. But I find clients make amazing discoveries on their own just trusting the process and their own True Self. The point is to make life more manageable, our symptoms less overwhelming, and evolve as the protagonists and narrators of our own lived stories. This approach has helped me and my clients identify root issues often buried under unruly symptoms. Seeing our selves as a collection of characters also aids integrating our fragmented selves – to become a unified whole or team rather than disparate, conflicting parts. It might sound counter-intuitive, but it works.
It also helps us to accept rejected aspects of ourselves. Everyone is welcome at the family table, but not all learned behaviours and toxic coping mechanisms are. Sometimes we have to holster the gun or hang the hat before we sit down together. And as we try new ways of being together, we find that we no longer need the gun or a certain hat anymore. We learn how to accept our self ‘as is’ and work towards a more integrated version. All parts welcome. No bad parts. What is in the shadows is welcomed into the light and that which is overbearing is asked to settle down. Collaboration. Adapting to change. This is what life is all about it – not getting it right all the time or going it alone.
I welcome any and all comments about this unique approach. Feel free to join the discussion on December 1st – just let me know, if you are not already part of the group. If you would like to try out this particular therapy approach, feel free to contact me at barb@thewindingpath.ca to discuss options.
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Posted on Oct 22, 2024
October. Typically a difficult month for me even though it is my favourite time of year. I love having a birthday in autumn. The tricky part is, it is also the anniversary of my birth-mom’s death. If something tragic or difficult is going to happen, it will be this time of year. Last year, the old school across the street from my house burned down. Fingers crossed nothing untoward happens this year – only a week or so left. I won’t go into all the strange things that have happened on or near my birthday in the past.
However, it is a time of deep reflection for me – and reading over this month’s journal entries to date has provided far more fodder for a blog entry than is possible to curate. And now that I’ve created a monthly blog discussion group (email barb@thewindingpath.ca if you’d like to join), it feels like I’ve put a tad too much pressure on myself. While there are several topics to choose from, three themes tend to weave them together: transitions, Internal Family Systems, and alone as a state of being not just physical fact. Now which one to focus on?
I am leaning towards transitions as it was serendipitous that I chose to reread a book of that title in order to revamp my handout (that would’ve come in handy at the wellness event I attended mid-September). I first read the book (Transitions by William Bridges) back when I was still married. And while the premise of rites of passage stayed with me, I needed the review of the process to help me through this month. I have been rereading various books lately – both novels and counselling-related – and I’ve been surprised how appropriate my choices have been. I keep a log of books read; and it has been interesting to observe how books resonate differently depending on my time-of-life.
Following the rites of passage model or process, transitions follow a pattern of ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. Or dying, fallow season, and rebirth. However, life doesn’t always afford such a succinct process; so often endings and beginnings overlap, and neutral zones are ignored or dismissed as unproductive – creating a time of chaos, confusion, and discontent. I think that is where I find myself this October. And it is not easy to sit in the fallow season and wait for rebirth. Nor does our Western way of thinking allow for a time of emptiness in which it appears nothing is happening when actually something is germinating.
In traditional rites of passage, an initiate is separated from the normal rhythm of life (an ending) to embark on a quest to find their sense of self or purpose or ‘next level’ of existence. A time of disorientation that results in finding oneself out of a perceived nothingness (neutral zone). When the enlightenment happens, the initiate is ready to return home a different person – a levelled-up version of themselves (e.g. leaves a boy, returns a man) – to engage in the community in new ways with increased responsibilities (new beginning).
In our modern age, this quest may involve changing jobs, homes, romantic partners, cars, careers, family responsibilities, etc. We usually find ourselves dissatisfied with the status quo but unsure what needs to change – or change is forced upon us or abrupt like losing a job, getting married, or having a baby. If we don’t acknowledge the end of the way things were (employed, single, childless), we may struggle to adapt to the new beginning (job/way of earning a living, relationship, baby). It can be confusing to unknowingly grieve the old way-of-being while trying to embrace the new (an inexplicable sadness when you are expected to be celebratory). Understanding how transitions actually transpire can help us adjust to the changes and/or make decisions that will disrupt the status quo.
So how does this apply to my month of October? Well, I’ve been working through acknowledging the old way of being Barb (i.e. an end to old coping mechanisms like being a people-pleaser, a chameleon, and a drone) in order to make way for a levelled-up version of myself. I think I’ve grasped the ending; but I’m stuck in the no-man’s land of the neutral zone. Ironically, this is a good thing, as I am not traversing an ending overlapped with a new beginning. I’m not dying and rebirthing simultaneously. 😊 The other two themes I mentioned earlier fit into this: working with my Internal Family System as we make adjustments and a sense of being alone.
Weirdly, I have come to an understanding of being alone formerly foreign to me. My old self preferred solitude (being alone) as it was where/when I felt safest. As I have dealt with some early trauma/inner child issues using my Internal Family System, I have revised my understanding of interdependence (vs hyper independence) and connectivity. Relationships are what make life bearable, enjoyable, fulfilling – and are not dangerous or a reward for getting things right. I not only have to build trust in someone in order to emerge from my cocoon, I also have to trust myself enough to let someone in to my deep interior world. Trusting myself to gauge when I am comfortable with someone to let them in – and knowing how to keep my Self (and my interior world) safe. To be alone also means acknowledging I am more of a unicorn than a chameleon. This has a lot to do with accepting my unique ways of neurodivergence – and that it is okay not to fit in. This may seem like a simple self-acceptance exercise, but it is rooted in deeply embedded shame messages that I never grasped before.
During this neutral zone or fallow season, issues are surfacing from various sources such as reading old journals for my book, changes in living arrangements, and putting myself “out there” more. Suffice to say, I see myself in relationships differently than I ever have before. And while I am not a good fit for online dating – thanks to my particular neurodivergence – I am both open to meeting someone in some unexpected way and to becoming comfortable with my current understanding of being alone. I know there is some version of myself I have yet to meet in this neutral zone/fallow season – someone who will relate with/to another equally unique soul – my fellow unicorn – “just because” and not as a reward for levelling up.
As I look over the notes I took while reading over my October journal entries, a depth of content is glossed over or missed in this introduction to transitions (such as an insight into my early childhood shyness). I’ve had some tremendous a-ha moments in this neutral zone – and that is the very point of it. We need to slow down to acknowledge what has ended, what inner chaos needs attention, to fully appreciate the next chapter unfolding. To find our way in the dark. On your own journey, where do you see yourself: in the midst of an ending, stuck in neutral, or approaching a beginning? Or can you look back at a point in your life when you can identify a dying, a fallow season, and a rebirth? Wherever you find yourself now, I hope you find/have found your way through the dark.
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Posted on Sep 26, 2024
After lunch on the back deck, I enjoyed soaking up the warmth of the sun while I read over my journal entries for the month of September. Once again, I was surprised at what was all “accomplished” internally. Several themes appeared appropriate for a blog – which is good in that my original idea was to blog about my newly defined Internal Family System – but due to a recent development, I am postponing that one for a later date.
One of this month’s more significant activities was having a table at a health & wellness event in a nearby community. This activity was significant for a few reasons. Firstly, I was inspired by my “table neighbour” and our discussion of her monthly ‘brain gym’ online meetings that also provide a sense of community and connectivity. It got me mulling over possible online support groups that I could offer without taxing clientele’s financial resources and my energy reserves, as I tend to overextend myself without proper compensation. But this is not a blog about healthy boundaries.
I put feelers out regarding what might be feasible and the general consensus was to offer a monthly discussion group based upon my blogs. For the fee of one counselling session ($125), a “subscriber” will have one-year access to the monthly online discussion group to be held for an hour in the afternoon of the last Sunday of each month – and a receipt they can submit to insurance for reimbursement if they have benefits that covers counselling by a certified counsellor (not all plans do). If you need more details, please email barb@thewindingpath.ca.
This is significant for me as it is putting myself ‘out there’ on a level beyond online dating! It will also fill the void left by the absence of the online meetings of colleagues, as in spring I resigned from the two boards on which I was serving. It will be an experiment and yet another stretching exercise – much like the health & wellness event itself. I was pleasantly surprised how I wasn’t consumed with anxiety – which became a springboard for exploring my internal family system. While my anxiety may have taken a back seat, my chronic fatigue syndrome decided to show up unexpectedly – literally knocking me on my ass.
At the end of the event, as we were cleaning up our tables, I suddenly collapsed – creating quite the commotion – and embarrassment for me with all eyes focused in my direction. But I made a conscious effort not to entertain shame messages and simply got back to the task at hand with an offhand explanation that my ankle had given out (which it does do sometimes). It took a couple days to figure out what actually happened – my electrolytes and blood pressure dropped causing the collapse. I say collapse as I was standing still. I wrote in my journal that it felt like someone had tugged on my spinal cord and I sank like a bag of bones to the floor. It was quite bizarre. But it illustrates how chronic fatigue syndrome is multi-faceted and sometimes sneaks up on a person – especially if they forget to take their morning meds & supplements!
Onto the third impactful aspect of the event – that troublesome internalized shame. While in that particular moment, I was able to keep it at bay, I had other opportunities this month to face my shame messages – especially the one that fears judgement and getting in trouble. Now, how to synthesize all the lessons succinctly into a few paragraphs? I realized that when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there are two factors to consider: fear and power.
In the one instance, I felt shame because I failed to anticipate the person’s fear and protect them – their fear was projected onto me as my responsibility. Light bulb moment, as in my family-of-origin, it was my role to anticipate emotional needs and meet them before I got into trouble/to avert danger. It is not my responsibility to protect people from their own emotions – nor to take on their projections as mine to fix. A paradox: taking on others’ emotions as mine to regulate without any help to regulate my own.
The other paradox that surfaced is that shamers are trying to claim power by disempowering someone else and/or the perceived threat. From my journal: “Funny how it doesn’t actually work that way – taking away someone’s power to make yourself feel more powerful. In both situations, I hadn’t taken away anyone’s power – they projected that onto me and Abbie. So, will I allow them to disempower me or rise like a Phoenix?” A parallel thought process to empowerment is the trauma-recovery shifts from victim mode to survival to thriving – which can be explored further in a future blog and/or discussion group. But I will say that fear of disappointment and judgement is no longer necessary for my survival. I can release that belief as obsolete as I enter thriving mode.
In one of my entries processing internalized shame, this modified childhood taunt came to mind: “There ain’t no shame on us. There might be shame on some of you/those guys, but there ain’t no shame on us.” Shame is like pesky flies at an outdoor picnic. I am learning to swat those lil buggers away and move on – not get sucked in to their disempowering messages, not to take on the emotions of shamers/criticizers/complainers. Complaints and criticisms are just that – no more, no less. I can create a forcefield that does not allow in emotional projections that threaten my sense of well-being. I have only my own emotions to regulate.
It is going to take more practice to repel the projections. But they are no longer mine to fix. I relinquish that habitual role. I can use my personal power to burn old beliefs that no longer serve me and my healing journey – to rise from the ashes as a Phoenix, ready to thrive. What old beliefs no longer serve your healing journey? What needs to be burnt so you can rise from the ashes and thrive? Or like the image portrays: rising from the asphalt to reach for the sky.
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